Do Some People Really Lack Empathy?

Have you ever met someone who just didn’t seem to care?

Maybe they brushed off your feelings, stayed silent when you were upset, or acted cold when someone else was hurting. It can leave you wondering: Do they actually feel anything? Are they just heartless? Or do some people really lack empathy?

This is a question many of us ask, especially when we’re trying to understand difficult relationships, whether it’s a distant parent, an emotionally unavailable partner, or even a boss who never seems to “get it.”

Empathy is what helps us connect. It’s our ability to feel with someone, not just for them. But empathy isn’t always easy. Some people seem to have less of it or show it in very different ways.

But here’s the thing: empathy isn’t all-or-nothing. According to neuroscientist Jean Decety, empathy is a complex process involving perception, emotion, and regulation, not just “being nice” or “feeling sad when others are sad” (Decety & Jackson, 2004). And sometimes, due to trauma, personality traits, or even brain differences, that process can be disrupted.

In this blog, we’ll explore what empathy really is, why some people might struggle with it, and whether it’s something that can be learned or strengthened. We’ll also look at what to do when someone in your life seems to be missing that emotional spark and how to protect your own well-being without becoming cold yourself.

What Is Empathy, Really?

Empathy is often described as the ability to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes.” But it’s actually more layered than that.

Researchers usually divide empathy into three types:

• Cognitive empathy – This is the ability to understand what someone else is feeling or thinking. It’s like saying, “I get why you’re upset.”
• Emotional empathy – This is when you actually feel the other person’s emotions. You might tear up when a friend cries or feel tense when someone is angry.
• Compassionate empathy – This goes one step further. It’s not just feeling or understanding, it’s wanting to help. Like comforting someone, offering support, or standing up for them.

Each type uses different parts of the brain. Studies show that regions like the anterior insula, amygdala, and prefrontal cortex play a role in how we experience empathy (Decety & Cowell, 2014).

But here’s the important part: not everyone has all three types in equal amounts. Some people are great at understanding but don’t always feel. Others may feel a lot but struggle to respond helpfully. And some may shut it all down often because of past experiences or internal blocks.

So, empathy isn’t just one thing. It’s a mix of brain activity, emotional intelligence, and learned behavior. And just like muscles, some parts can be stronger or weaker depending on the person.

Can a Person Truly Lack Empathy?

When someone constantly dismisses your feelings, acts cruel, or seems emotionally numb, it’s easy to wonder: Do they just not have empathy at all?

The truth is, it’s very rare for someone to have zero empathy. Most people have at least some capacity for empathy, but it might be underdeveloped, blocked, or only show up in certain situations.

Think of empathy like a radio signal. For some, it’s loud and clear. For others, the volume is low or the signal cuts in and out. It doesn’t mean the radio is broken, it just needs tuning.

There are cases, however, where empathy is significantly impaired. For example, people with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) may show serious difficulties in feeling or caring about others’ emotions. But even then, it’s often selective, they may show empathy toward certain people (like family) or when it serves their own goals.

One large-scale study found that people with high narcissistic traits were better at cognitive empathy (understanding others), but struggled with emotional empathy (feeling with others) (Wai & Tiliopoulos, 2012). This helps explain why some individuals can be socially sharp but emotionally cold.

In other cases, trauma or emotional neglect can lead someone to disconnect from empathy as a survival strategy. If they grew up in an environment where emotions were unsafe or ignored, they may have learned to shut their own feelings and others’ down.

So, while it may look like someone “lacks empathy,” the reality is usually more complex. They may have blind spots, emotional blocks, or simply haven’t learned how to tune in to others. It doesn’t excuse harmful behavior but it does help us understand where it might come from.

When the Brain Struggles With Empathy

Empathy isn’t just a personality trait, it’s deeply linked to how our brain is wired and how our experiences have shaped us over time. When someone struggles with empathy, it often has more to do with neurological or psychological factors than a lack of morality or care.

1. Neurodivergence

Some individuals, especially those on the autism spectrum, may struggle with traditional signs of empathy. But that doesn’t mean they don’t care. In fact, many autistic people feel deeply, but may have difficulty expressing emotions or picking up on subtle social cues. This is known as the “double empathy problem”, a mismatch in communication styles between neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals (Milton, 2012).

2. Personality Disorders

Conditions like Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are associated with lower levels of emotional empathy. People with ASPD may not feel guilt or remorse, while those with NPD may struggle to recognize or respond to others’ feelings. These patterns often begin early in life and are shaped by both genetic vulnerability and early relational trauma.

3. Unresolved Trauma

People who have experienced emotional neglect, abuse, or severe stress may shut down their own emotional system as a way to survive. This can also dampen their capacity to tune into others. If feeling emotions led to pain in the past, the brain may learn to numb out. Over time, this can create a pattern of emotional disconnection.

4. Burnout and Compassion Fatigue

Even those who are usually very empathetic like caregivers, therapists, or teachers, can experience empathy burnout. When someone is emotionally exhausted, their brain may block out others’ feelings as a way to protect itself. This is common in helping professions, especially when support systems are weak.

5. Substance Use and Brain Injury

Long-term substance use or certain types of brain injury (e.g., damage to the prefrontal cortex) can impair emotional regulation and reduce empathetic capacity. In some cases, people may become more impulsive, emotionally flat, or detached from social cues.

The Many Faces of “Empathy Gaps”

Empathy gaps don’t always look the same. In fact, many people who seem cold or unfeeling may still care deeply but express it in ways that are hard to recognize. Understanding the different ways empathy gaps show up can help us stop taking them personally and start responding with more clarity.

1. Emotionally Unavailable People

Some individuals aren’t comfortable with emotions either their own or others’. They may shut down, change the subject, or act distant when someone opens up. This isn’t always cruelty; sometimes it’s emotional avoidance or discomfort. They were never taught how to hold space for feelings.

2. The “Fixers”

Have you ever shared a problem, and someone immediately jumped to advice or solutions without acknowledging how you feel? These people often have cognitive empathy (they understand what’s going on) but skip over emotional empathy. They care but they’re more focused on fixing than feeling.

3. The Rationalizers

Some people respond to pain with logic. They may say things like “It’s not that bad” or “You should be over it by now.” This can feel dismissive, even if it’s meant to help. Often, these individuals struggle to sit with discomfort so they try to minimize or “solve” emotions instead.

4. Empathy Burnout

People in helping roles like doctors, counsellors, or caregivers, can hit a point where they’ve given too much. They may feel numb, cynical, or emotionally flat. This isn’t a lack of care; it’s often a sign they need support themselves. According to Figley (1995), this is known as compassion fatigue.

5. Manipulative or Selective Empathy

Some individuals use empathy only when it benefits them. For example, someone might show deep concern for a loved one, but show no remorse when they hurt others. In these cases, empathy may be selective, self-serving, or even weaponized.

6. Socially Conditioned Disconnection

In some cultures or family systems, expressing emotions is seen as weak. Boys are taught not to cry, or leaders are told to “stay strong.” Over time, this can lead to suppressed empathy not because the person doesn’t feel, but because they’ve been taught not to show it.

Can Empathy Be Taught?

Yes, empathy is not just something you’re born with. It’s a skill, and like any other skill, it can be nurtured and strengthened over time.

Many people assume that empathy is either “there” or “not there.” But research tells us that empathy is shaped by our experiences, environment, and emotional learning. The human brain has something called neuroplasticity, the ability to change and grow through repeated practice. That means even if empathy doesn’t come naturally, it can be learned.

What Helps Build Empathy?

1. Emotional Awareness

To connect with others, we need to first understand our own feelings. Practices like journaling, mindfulness, and therapy help people become more in tune with their emotions making it easier to relate to others, too.

2. Active Listening

Empathy grows when we slow down and really listen without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Programs that teach active listening have been shown to improve empathy in healthcare, education, and even corporate settings (Riess et al., 2012).

3. Exposure to Different Perspectives

Reading fiction, watching documentaries, or having conversations with people from different backgrounds can expand our ability to imagine life through someone else’s eyes. A study by Kidd & Castano (2013) found that reading literary fiction improved participants’ Theory of Mind, the ability to understand others’ thoughts and feelings.

4. Modeling and Practice

Empathy is often learned through observation. Children raised in warm, emotionally responsive households tend to develop stronger empathic abilities. Adults can also learn by watching role models who show compassion and emotional intelligence.

5. Feedback and Reflection

Sometimes we don’t realize how we come across. Feedback from trusted people or reflection through therapy can help uncover emotional blind spots. This is especially useful for people who want to connect better but don’t know how.

How to Deal With Someone Who Seems Empathy-Deficient

Being in a relationship, personal or professional, with someone who struggles with empathy can feel lonely, confusing, and sometimes hurtful. You might constantly question your feelings or wonder if you’re asking for too much. The good news is, there are ways to manage these dynamics without losing yourself in the process.

1. Start by Not Taking It Personally

When someone dismisses your feelings, it can feel like rejection. But often, their response has more to do with their limitations than your worth. People who struggle with empathy may not even realize how they come across. Reminding yourself of this can help reduce self-doubt.

2. Set Clear Emotional Boundaries

Just because someone else struggles with empathy doesn’t mean you have to shrink your emotions. Instead, name your needs clearly. For example, you might say: “I’m not asking you to fix this. I just need you to listen right now.” Boundaries help you protect your emotional space without becoming cold or reactive.

3. Use “I” Statements

People who lack empathy often get defensive. Instead of accusing them “You never care about how I feel” try expressing your experience: “I feel unheard when I share something important and it gets brushed off.” This keeps the conversation grounded and makes it easier for them to engage.

4. Don’t Try to “Fix” Them

It’s tempting to think you can teach someone empathy if you just explain enough times. But empathy can’t be forced. Change has to come from their willingness, not your effort. Focus on what you can control like how you respond and what you’re willing to tolerate.

5. Know When to Step Back

If the relationship starts damaging your emotional well-being, it’s okay to take space. Chronic emotional invalidation can lead to self-doubt, burnout, and resentment. Sometimes the most empathetic thing you can do for yourself is to walk away.

6. Seek Support

Talking to a therapist or trusted friend can help you process your feelings. Being around empathetic people reminds you what healthy emotional connection looks like. It also helps you build the clarity and strength needed to make empowered choices.

What If You Struggle With Empathy Sometimes?

Let’s be honest, none of us are perfectly empathetic all the time. We all have moments when we feel disconnected, overwhelmed, or too caught up in our own emotions to truly tune in to someone else. And that’s okay.

Empathy isn’t a fixed trait, it fluctuates based on our mood, stress levels, and past experiences. So if you find yourself struggling to relate to someone, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re cold or uncaring. It means you’re human.

Why It Might Be Hard Sometimes

• You’re emotionally burnt out: When you’re running on empty, it’s hard to offer emotional energy to others. This is especially true for caregivers, parents, or therapists.
• You feel disconnected from your own emotions: Empathy for others often starts with self-awareness. If you’re out of touch with how you feel, connecting with others can feel cloudy.
• You weren’t shown healthy emotional models growing up: If your family avoided emotions or discouraged vulnerability, you may never have learned how to respond with empathy.
• You’re afraid of being overwhelmed: Sometimes we shut down empathy because we fear being pulled into someone else’s pain especially if we haven’t learned healthy boundaries.

What You Can Do About It

The good news is that empathy is something you can practice, even in small ways:

• Slow down and get curious instead of jumping to judgment. Try asking, “What might they be feeling right now?”
• Reflect on times when you needed understanding – what helped? What didn’t?
• Build emotional vocabulary by journaling, reading stories, or watching films that highlight different perspectives.
• Practice presence. Sometimes just being with someone, without needing to say the perfect thing, is enough.

And remember, research shows that self-compassion is closely linked to empathy for others (Neff & Pommier, 2013). So the more gently you treat yourself, the more emotional space you have to offer others.

Moving Forward

We’re living in a time where the world feels increasingly divided, politically, socially, and emotionally. Differences in opinion, background, or beliefs can make it easy to shut down, tune out, or assume the worst in others. But now, more than ever, empathy matters.

Empathy doesn’t mean agreeing with everyone. It means recognizing their humanity, even when you don’t see eye to eye. It means choosing to stay curious instead of reactive, to listen even when it’s uncomfortable, and to hold space without immediately needing to fix or correct.

Studies show that empathy plays a crucial role in reducing conflict, building trust, and improving communication whether in classrooms, families, communities, or even global negotiations (Batson, 2011).

But empathy isn’t just a social glue, it’s also a personal anchor. It helps us stay grounded in our values. It reminds us that we’re not alone in our struggles. And it gives us the courage to show up not just for others, but for ourselves too.

You don’t have to change the world overnight. Empathy grows through small, everyday choices:

• Pausing before responding to a heated message
• Checking in on a friend who’s been quiet
• Acknowledging someone’s pain, even when you can’t solve it
• Reflecting on your own blind spots without shame